I'm usually a pseudo-happy person.. (whatever that means, interpret as you like - I consider it apathetic but with a smile on my face) - All the while I still think of myself as an optimist, but I just don't know what's been going on with me lately.. I like to do myself the honour of considering myself a strong person. I'm a first born child so I've always had a lot of responsibility and have always been mostly self-sufficient. I'm not one to cede to a bad situation. I'm a resolver. Suck it up, march on, get to where you need to be going - done deal. I value resiliency in a person.. I'm not saying I don't ever cry. That I don't ever resent. That I don't ever worry. But I don't usually give into depression.. Maybe it's all this surplus estrogen floating around in my system, but I'm really bummed out.. Pretty much ever since setting foot back in Kuwait.. My attitude towards this place is 'it's comfortable enough..'. It ain't home but it's where I need to be right now. I'm not sure I've ever had a longing stronger than my desire to be home, in America. It's pretty poor thinking to start with when you know that you're going to be in a foreign place for a semi-determined amount of time. My friend Jules probably said it best when she told me, "Until you embrace Kuwait, you're going to be hating life..". She's totally right but.. it's just a hard pill to swallow.. To sincerely say I like the place. For me, it's tolerable and that's just my slice..
Maybe it's getting better though. I think I may have gotten over the 'Wanting to Bellow w/Much Tear-shed' phase.. I seriously couldn't hold my shit together even while grocery shopping.. I had to run to the loo and sob for a bit. I can't begin to express how deeply sad I am @ this moment in time.. I'm downright cheerless.. I've been faking it to get by because well, that's my backup but.. I have no solution to make it better. And I highly doubt they make a 'Preggy Prozac'.. In the meantime all I can do is breathe.. Lord help me and Breathe....
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